I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
