Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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