respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
