I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
