You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
