Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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