Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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