My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
