Soap is not a condiment
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
