We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
