so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
