Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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