I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
