covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
