Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
is wine microwaveable?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have already put on my inside pants.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
