wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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