i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
