You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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