look no pants
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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