I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
