in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
