Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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