3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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