Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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