I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
