is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
