$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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