he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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