i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
