I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
