Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
