you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
