what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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