Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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