Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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