I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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