Don't make out with my wife yet
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
