I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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