I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
