I need help removing her.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
