there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
