My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
