I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
