Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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