Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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