i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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