I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
