did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
