I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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