my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my fart just growled at me.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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