she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
